way too long post for way too long raw

I know, I'm a bit behind schedule to comment on Monday Night Raw, but whatever...here goes. Overall, see Monday's six words (That was not worth three hours) sums it up well. What should have been a rich, dynamic two hours was watered down to a mediocre three. Which is particularly sad considering how good the shows were coming off Wrestlemania, and going into Sunday's Backlash.

First, the King of the Ring tournament: I thought it was a good idea to have it on TV rather than pay-per-view, but this was the worst KOR in memory. Let's take a look at the contenders:

• Chris Jericho: unlikely, already IC champ. The only way this made sense was if he was preparing to drop the belt back to a returning Jeff Hardy, which is a virtual impossibility. I expect the rainbow-haired warrior to be buried for a while, if he comes back. Personally, I hope he resolves his issues for good.
• MVP: unlikely, already US Champ, with nothing much going storyline-wise. Matt Hardy is growing old.
• CM Punk: unlikely, already Mr. Money in the Bank 2008.
• Matt Hardy: no matter how hard they try to push, the stabler of the Extreme brothers just doesn't have that pizzazz. Not much going on storyline-wise either. MVP. Revenge. *yawn*
• Great Khali: why? Like they were chanting a few weeks back, "Show's gonna kill you!"
• Finlay: Once again, a well-liked, respected, talented guy, with as much charisma as he does melanin.
• Regal: what? why? The man with the scariest eyes in the WWE wouldn't even be on Raw if he wasn't GM. Think Val Venis with an accent.
• Hornswoggle: that would've been funny, but no.

Matches were dull all around, although a tip of the hat to Jericho drop-kicking the top rope from under Punk's feet - nice timing. Also, nice to see the Walls are back.

Before I move on to the topic of politics, a few random comments on the rest of the show:

• Re: Batista's heel turn. I like it. He carries it well.
• Cody Rhodes speaks! I mean, the poor child must rely on genetics: it's not like he's going to pick up any pointers on mike skills from his tag-team partner, Spark Plugg.
• Did the divas all decide to take Mickie James shopping and give her a mini-makeover? I'm thinking there was a scene backstage reminiscent of Olivia Newton John in Grease...Mickie James has never looked that good; they finally got the country girl downtown.
• On the other hand, what the hell was Michelle McCool thinking? Those earring were crappy in 1984, and they haven't aged well, either.
• My, my, Beth and Nathalie actually seem to be trying to look feminine...I'm telling you, there was a very busy beauty team nearby...
• I salute Kelly Kelly's courage to brawl in that top...hope the tape sticks!
• Mr. Kennedy returns next week - YAY!
• All four speeches from the main eventers were utterly pointless. Not a single memorable line.
• JBL was way too slow on that clothesline to Triple H. I can't believe he's back, and main eventing to boot. I don't get it. Like the Game said, "Your main event is Orton defending against a former commentator who has been back barely a few weeks and whose claim to fame is beating a midget?"
• (Waaaaaayyyy OT. Bear with me.) Orton reminds me of the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter. As with Draco Malfoy, I think the Hat would barely glance at Orton before pronouncing him a Slytherin.

OK, that does it for the normal part od the show. Now, on to the lamest and greatest waste of time in this three-hour spectacular: the politics. I thought it was an interesting exercise to compare the talents of their respective speechwriters.

1. Hil-Rod's speech. Hil-Rod? Hil-Rod? WTF kind of reference is that? Sounds more like J-Lo or even A-Rod than wrestling to me.
   
   Wrestling references: King of the Ring / last man standing / opening bell / go to the mat / knocked down / taking a hit / People's Elbow / Randy Orton / ready ro rumble
   
   Other relevant elements: Spoke straight to the camera, rather than reading cuecards like Obama. Adapted her promises to her audience's demographic - college, bringing back the troops. Integrated mostly subtle references to combat, rather than WWE per se. As natural and free-spirited as Hillary is liable to get.
   
2. Barack's speech. The Rock references were utterly unavoidable.
   
   Wrestling references: Randy Orton / King of the Ring / If you smell what Barack is cooking?
   
   Other relevant elements: Read all the wrestling references from a cue card over the cameraman's right shoulder. Used few, but direct and hard hitting. Seemed to appreciate the utter ridiculousness of the situation.
   
3. McCain's speech or, Let's see how many wrestling references I can throw at them.
   
   Wrestling references: Finally, the Mac has come back... / settle differences in the ring / To be the man.. / Game over / Whatcha gonna do... / Undertaker / If you smell... / fatal four / cage match / And that's the bottom line...
   
   Other relevant elements: Personalized all his references, with varying degrees of success. Threw everything at his audience. Points for lifting from Ric Flair and Stone Cold. More points for suggesting we introduce Osama bin Laden to the Undertaker.

So, overall, who came out on top? I thought Obama fell fairly flat. McCain's writers need an editor, to reel them back in when they try to cram too much into too little space/time. He may have overenthusiastic connaisseurs among his writers, but he wins on sheer number of references. Hilary's writers, I think, really struck the best balance between selling herself and appeasing the audience. But again, she's as charismatic as, well, Bob Holly.

Does this mean anything? Nope.

Then the WWE went on one of its infamous "What the hell have they been smoking?" bad trips, by staging a match between "Hillary", accompanied to the ring by "Bill", and "Barack".

This time, the wrestling references stayed mostly with the Hulkster vs. the Rock (reminded me of WM18, Icon vs. Icon, baby). Bravo to the Hillary impersonator for body-slamming Barack, taking a Rock Bottom, a People's Elbow, and finally, a Samoan Drop from my saviour for the evening, Umaga (or You-Man-Ga, as per our new King of the Ring.) Also, points to Bill for "I did not have illegal contact with that candidate!"

So, while I'm at it, I might as well record my predictions for Backlash, although, sadly, most matches elicit an "but I really don't care":

12-diva tag: Don't care. The heels won at WM, go with the Faces this time.

Batista vs. HBK: Personally, Batista hands down. But I don't think I'll get my way, what with his recent heel half-turn. It will be the redemption of HBK.

Kane vs. Chavo: In Canada, we only see ECW on Fridays at midnight, AFTER Smackdown. So I'm a little behind, storyline-wise. I'd like to see Kane hold the belt for a while, but "I lie, I cheat, I steal" is the Guerrero motto. As per WWE website, Big Red got beat up on Tuesday. Go with Kane.

Fatal Four Way: Anyone but JBL is fine with me. He should be made to lick their boots. (No, wait, I might get jealous!) But I'll go with Triple H.

MVP vs. Matt Hardy: Matt, just to mix things up a bit.

Big Show vs. Khali: Someone needs rewarding for putting Mayweather over at WM. Show by KO.

Undertaker vs. Edge: I doubt they'd give Taker the belt for a month. And its his poster. Bow to the Deadman.

Today in six: Corporate Wireless Device - Appareil cellulaire d'entreprise.

(1,311) (Wow, my longest post ever!)